


heart stop

by gwanghyun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: "adrenaline kink", Espionage, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Jaehyun and Jaemin Are Brothers, M/M, Minor Violence, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 05:27:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16111799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwanghyun/pseuds/gwanghyun
Summary: It only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt longer. As if the time stilled for a while to let him have this moment, whatever is this, seemingly something more than just lips pressing against each other.Their thing began again.





	heart stop

**Author's Note:**

> the summary suck i know but ill come up with something better later i guess because ive been wanting to finish and publish it and i finally can!! thank u. hope you enjoyed

“You are irresistible.” Joy pants near him, her breath smelled like alcohol and mint. Jaehyun tries hard to keep the lust on his face, and gives her a smirk in return.

 

“I could say the same thing about you,” His hand trailing upwards, warm against her cold, naked back. Joy shudders at the feeling, and he presses his body close to hers so that she can feel the growing erection. “But naughty is more fitting. Wanting to be fucked in a place like this…”

 

Joy grinds back as a response. His breath hitch at the friction it caused, careful to not let a moan slip out. While the toilet is safe from camera, there is a chance of thin walls surrounding them. It is empty though, so that's his chance.

 

Before Joy could so much turn around, Jaehyun strangle her with both arms, a hand covering her nose and mouth tight. He remain still when she trashed, trying desperately to take off his grip and failing. Twenty second later, her body was limp in his arms, but Jaehyun maintains pressure until seconds turns into minutes. He only releases her when he is sure five minutes has passed, sighing in relief when he couldn't find her pulse. His strangling got so much better.

 

Jaehyun puts her down gently on the closed toilet seat, and only after her death did Jaehyun appreciate her beauty. He pose her as if she fell asleep on the toilet, before exiting the restroom. He walks briskly from it, not bothering to cover his face as Lucas is already on the security system and will damage the record anyway.

 

Instead of going back to the ballroom, he walks to a hallway, free from cameras and enter a staff only exit. Lucas had duplicated a crew's ID card, so Jaehyun only needs to swipe for it to open. The door shuts behind him automatically and it only takes him a few seconds to recognize the inconspicuous black SUV waiting for him at a walking distance.

 

The adrenaline after doing a successful mission is making him want to run there, but he forced himself to stay calm and walk normally. Only when he's inside the car did Jaehyun let adrenaline take over him as he straddled the man sitting beside him, the man he knows all too well.

 

“Hello,” Johnny greets him, his hands holding Jaehyun's waist to prevent him from falling as Taeil start to drive fast out of the parking lot and into the wide streets. Jaehyun has both hands holding Johnny's shoulder for support. “I assume everything is going as planned?”

 

Jaehyun nods, stares at Johnny for a while with an unreadable look before leaning down to kiss him, a gesture that Johnny returns instantly. With the way he’s kissing him right now, Jaehyun couldn't tell who was more excited. There is no need to think, no use to think when both are clearly enjoying this.

 

Johnny breaks the kiss to move to his neck, not forgetting to give his Adam’s apple a nibble, it was his most favorite spot. Jaehyun starts grinding when Johnny start to unbutton his blouse, just enough so that he can comfortably bite his collarbones.

 

“Not to ruin the mood or anything,” Jaehyun barely register Taeil’s voice as he speak. “but you two aren't going to fuck in the back seat, are you?”

 

“Nope,” Johnny answers for him. “Jaehyun is going to break his back if we did.”

 

“I honestly think he wouldn't mind.” Lucas butts in, pretending to be stoic as he typed codes in an open command program.

 

Taeil covers his laugh with a polite cough, and the ride turns silent, except for the sounds Jaehyun emits every few minutes, but they had gotten trained to ignore distraction, so that's what they did.

 

The current basecamp is only three hours away from the building before. Outside it looks like any other normal office buildings. They had rented a space upstairs, while downstairs is actually used as a normal, running bakery. Nobody lives downstairs, so there isn't anyone questioning why would they come late.

 

They parked the car at the back of the building, near the dumpster. Jaehyun needs to be assist to walk and that's his own fault for being too excited to do his own adrenaline, but with Johnny’s arm in his waist, he found himself having no regrets.

 

The second floor is spacious. It's big enough to held meetings, keep Lucas’ computer and tools organized, have multiple rooms to sleep in, and they definitely can practice fight here. They can't be too loud though, hence the lack of weaponry. But they don't worry too much over it, they can defend themselves just fine if the condition asks to.

 

Taeyong is the first one to greet them. He's the leader among them, and Jaehyun is surprised to not see him in his desk as he takes regular video call with boss, but as they spread out inside he finds out it was Deyoung's turn to take care of that.

 

Taeyong stares at them quickly, looking for minor injuries. His stare stops at Jaehyun’s neck, jaw tight. “That better not be from our victim.”

 

“You'll be relieved to know that this is from Johnny.” Jaehyun remarks, showing more of his marked skin. Taeyong rolls his eyes at him before looking at Lucas, gesturing him to come inside a room. That meant Lucas was the one describing the events of the mission, and it also meant he had some time.

 

Johnny’s room is near the bathroom, a few steps away from where they are right now, and Jaehyun walks inside without asking. The owner of the room follows him closely from behind, and it’s a pleasant thing to have Johnny close to him again, mouth returning to his neck. This time, Jaehyun doesn't try to hold back his whine.

 

“You know I would love to,” He starts, nuzzling to him in a way that make his skin crawl. “But I don't think it's wise to fuck now. We still have work for the rest of the week.”

 

Jaehyun turns to him then, his arms encircling Johnny’s neck and pouts, even when Johnny pulls him closer by the waist and it make his heart jump a little. “That’s too bad.” He looks up, ignoring how intense Johnny look at him, and goes: “How about oral?”

 

The only reply comes in the form of kissing, and it was so passionate that his moan come out muffled. Even in the midst of lust, there is gentleness when Johnny rubs his back, which he responds by running his fingers on Johnny's hair, almost like combing.

 

When they part, Johnny wastes no time to discard his suit, unbuttoning his blouse and tugging off his pants while Jaehyun lays down in bed, reassembling himself. He only help when Johnny had troubles unzipping his pants, and that's only because it got stuck.

 

“What are you planning?” He asks, managing to sit up, although slumped, as Johnny thumbed his nipples.

 

Johnny takes a bud inside his mouth, and he jerks as Johnny bites, shuddering and almost breathless when he continues the ministration while still thumbing the other.

 

After a while, Johnny lets go. If Jaehyun wasn't hard before, he is now. A glance tells him that Johnny is having the same condition as he is.

 

“I want to eat you out,” His hand travels downwards to his waist, positioning him to lay down with a slight push. Jaehyun spread his legs without command. “It's been too long, don't you think so?”

 

“Mm,” Jaehyun watches as Johnny goes down on him, greeting his dick by kissing the tip of it, before settling between Jaehyun’s spreaded thighs. He gasps when Johnny bites without warning, but he is quick to redeem himself by licking the bitten spot, kissing it as well.

 

“How about you, Jaehyun? What do you want to do?”

 

Jaehyun reach for Johnny, just an arm stretched but he gets the memo, moving to lay beside him. Jaehyun rolls, being on top of Johnny again like earlier. He has one hand on his shoulder and the other on Johnny’s thigh.

 

“Me?” He repeats in the crevice of his neck. “I want to swallow the fuck out of your dick.”

 

Johnny thrust upwards to him, and their thing began again.

 

✝

 

If Jaehyun had to remember when exactly this whole _thing_ happened, his best memory is last year's December in a series of events that brings him to a state of confusion and indifference. Looking back at it now, Johnny had just been at the wrong place and at the wrong time, really. The younger Jaehyun back then didn't know what propels him to do such… _thing_ , but now Jaehyun knows. And he's not sure how to feel about that.

 

They had been assigned in another hitman mission of a snob, dirty, good for nothing old rag that's been doing too much corruption, his coworkers wanted him gone. And who are them to deny a request when a hefty amount of payment was involved? Thus, it was decided that him, Johnny, Yuta and Kun will be doing the mission.

 

The plan was simple. The old rag would be in the club where security is easy to buy and easy to fool. Jaehyun would be the bait, dressed in sleeveless and skinny jeans and styled to look delicious, and they considered Jaehyun to be able to finished him. Johnny is sent as a backup, following Jaehyun periodically and receiving updates from Yuta, who will be watching the whole thing through the button camera and listening to his microphone. Kun will help them escape from the second level of the building.

 

For a while, everything went as planned. The old rag noticed him, called him and flirted him aggressively in a booth. In his peripheral vision, Jaehyun saw Johnny watching him casually, dressed like him. He barely avoid the old man from kissing his neck, and managed to persuade him that he wanted some privacy if he want more. It was disgusting to see the man looking so happy at the thought of fucking him.

 

They moved to a room with windows and he made sure Yuta saw that, so he can pinpoint where they at. The man made a move to push him to the bed, and when he failed to do so, he manhandled Jaehyun.

 

“Ah,” He hissed when the man pinned him down roughly. “If you're going to be so rough with me, we might need a safeword.”

 

The man had the audacity to laugh. “I like it better when they fight back, honey.”

 

And so Jaehyun did. He fought hard, succeeding in giving a few punches and throw some kicks that made the man falter, but it wasn't enough to knock him off. The man was able to put up with him more than what he predicted, and he was losing. He was scared too, but the adrenaline kept him fearless. When the man grinned smugly at him even with a broken nose and a bruise blooming on his cheeks, he let himself feel a little scared.

 

“Are you trying to kill me, little one?” His tone was flat and intimidating. Jaehyun tried to hold back a shudder. “You gave me quite the fucking pain.”

 

He didn't have time to come out with a plan to get him out of this nor a witty reply to bail out some time, but he finds out he didn't have too. Because the next moment, Johnny came inside and kill him in one hit with a block of wood, right in the back of his neck. If that isn't enough for the man to suffer from a cerebral concussion, Johnny swung a second time. The man laid lump on top of him. It was more than gross.

 

Jaehyun pushed the body off the bed, satisfied when it doesn't move anymore. He faintly heard Yuta asking if he was okay through his in-ear, but he refused to speak as he collected himself for a while, sitting in the edge of the bed. Johnny dropped the block and lean down to him, and they just stared at each other. Technically Johnny was looking for scars and bruises, but Jaehyun was just staring. He had been seconds away from being killed in a mission gone wrong and he had been saved in those same seconds. It was all too much. He wanted to do it again, despite the risks, but the man is dead. There's nothing that he can do anymore.

 

But he could do something. He was jittery, but when he pressed his lips against Johnny he was firm, even when Johnny went rigid at the action, hands clasped at his shoulder yet he made no move to push him away. Being this close with Johnny he can hear Yuta clearly exclaiming “What the fuck?” coming from Johnny’s in-ear, which meant that he must have said it pretty loudly.

 

It only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt longer. As if the time stilled for a while to let him have this moment, whatever is this, seemingly something more than just lips pressing against each other.

 

Johnny was the one to break the kiss first. Of course he was. If it was Jaehyun, he would have stayed a little bit longer, but it's a pity. Pity that he didn't understand the look Johnny is sending him, but Jaehyun doesn't care.

 

“Let's get going.” His tone was flat. That's the last thing Jaehyun heard before he blacked out.

 

He doesn't know for how long that happened, but when he woke up, he was aware of every pain in his body. The light was too bright and it made him groan out loud, effectively bringing Winwin to his side.

 

“Hi,” he greeted him like it was any normal meeting. “How do you feel?”

 

Jaehyun closed his eyes. “Painful. Can you sedate me back to sleep?”

 

“I don't think I can do that anymore.” The doctor of their team pressed a stethoscope on his chest, and he wondered what his heartbeat sounded like. “Besides, it's time for your point of view, Jaehyun.”

 

Right. Can't have a report without notes from the main character. Jaehyun was familiar with this all too well. Winwin moved to do a blood pressure on him, and it eerily reminded him of his normal life before of getting a medical check up at school. Don't know why he would think about that in a clearly different situation.

 

“At least dim the lights for me, please.”

 

Winwin walked to the light switch the same time the door opened, Taeyong, Doyoung and Johnny entering in a row. They all had different expression. Taeyong was apprehensive, Doyoung shifted from looking stern and guilty, and Johnny was unreadable again.

 

“Any updates?” Taeyong asked Winwin first. The doctor had his clipboard in his hand and he gave Taeyong a clipped paper. “This is the full report on Jaehyun’s conditions. Speaking in a common term, his heartbeat is becoming normal. Blood pressure are low by a few digits compared to normal standard but I wouldn't worry about it too much. I applied herbal medicine and ointment that will reduce swelling and pain. I estimate Jaehyun will heal in three weeks if he applies the med often.”

 

“So that's where the burning sensation comes from.” Jaehyun muttered, turning the attention to him once again. Taeyong stepped closer to him and that was Winwin’s cue to leave.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked. Jaehyun wished he'd get straight to the point, but then it'd be all about business. They weren't like that.

 

“You tell me.” Jaehyun retorts. When an awkward silence filled the room, he nearly snort. “Geez. I was kidding. I'm fine.”

 

Taeyong didn't look convinced. Whatever. At least he trusted himself to be okay. That is what matters the most. Taeyong asked him if he can recount the event again, and he did. He was in the middle of explaining why he couldn't fight back, when he saw it. The look of grief from Doyoung. It made him stopped in his tracks, and instead of being concerned of Doyoung, they went to him.

 

“You can't explain the next part, can you? It's okay—”

 

“Honest to God, I think Doyoung is the one with the trauma.” He cut Taeyong off, but he had too. “Maybe not trauma. But clearly guilt. I would be more concerned about that, and I'm the one almost getting killed.”

 

The bluntness of the statement is the one that set things off. Doyoung’s façade shattered, and he cried. This would be the moment where the latter is embarrassed of in the next following days, because Doyoung has been in this scene longer than him by a few years, he pegged him as a professional. But it's always nice to know that they're not heartless for killing by demand.

 

Taeyong was comforting Doyoung in a blink of an eye. “What's going on?” He asked, not to Doyoung in particular because he was full on sobbing.

 

Jaehyun didn't talk. He was rather stunned by the burst of emotions, so Johnny was the one to spoke up. “Doyoung was in charge of profiling, right? I read the files before and he profiled that the man had little to zero fitness, so technically Jaehyun would easily won over, but that didn't happen. As someone who was an observer at that time, I also predicted the same thing like Doyoung profiled. We were all mistaken.”

 

“But,” Doyoung sputtered in the midst of crying. “It's my job. I'm supposed to be—to be perfect on it.”

 

There's a disapproving look coming from Taeyong, and Jaehyun knew Doyoung was going to receive the infamous pep talk of his. Nothing wrong about it, actually, Taeyong would know what to say to calm him down.

 

As he predicted, Taeyong shook his head and announced that he and Doyoung will be leaving, Johnny to take charge. When the two finally closed the door behind them, Jaehyun looked straight at the wall in front of him, and not his partner beside him.

 

“You were there. You don't need to ask me again,” he started first, his hands fiddling with the edge of his blanket. It reminded him of a blanket of an airline, then it dawned upon him that the blanket came from Jungwoo, their supplier _and_ a kleptomaniac.

 

“I was only an eyewitness. You were the lead character.” Johnny spoke so quietly, as if speaking loud would scare him. “I need to know how you feel then.”

 

The answer was easy. “I was scared,” this he admitted. The next parts of his feelings, though, is more complicated for him to acknowledge. “But the adrenaline at that time was enough to make me feel fearless, with the witty response and the continuous fighting. It was all driven by adrenaline.”

 

“And not because of your instinct to survive?” He almost forgot Johnny was there, too muddled in with his thoughts.

 

“Maybe that too, but it didn't overpower me as much as the adrenaline.” He mulled on whether or not he should mention the kiss, and decided to be just done with it. “I wouldn't kiss you if that was the case.”

 

“I see,” was Johnny reply, and then a hand different from his own intertwined with his. Jaehyun stared at their locked hands and to the man himself, whose eyes are finally readable. There's warmth there.

 

“I should be going and writing the report. Rest well.” He told him, squeezing his hand. Then he brought the hands near his mouth and kissed the top of Jaehyun’s hand. He didn't look awkward or guilty at doing so, rather he looked pleased with a smile that's barely there in his face.

 

When Johnny left him alone, Jaehyun sank into the mattress and groaned, wanting nothing more but to sleep again.

 

 

The next few weeks passed by strangely. Maybe Jaehyun is so used on doing missions that he forgot he can rest from it, maybe the normal life is too boring for him. Either way, he found himself alone most of the times, though he knows he can easily be with Winwin or Doyoung who is always on base. He just didn't feel like talking, and moving his body is a pain in the ass. Thus, he stayed there, food brought to him. Sometimes he dreams about that night, except there's no Johnny there and he gets killed. Different alternations of 'what could have been’ of that gruesome night.

 

One day, he can't just take it. He was sick of being confined in these four walls, sick of laying down, sick of having the same dream, sick of being bruised. He needed a refreshment, and it was three in the morning. The doors toward rooftop would be locked by a simple, store bought lock and one of Jaehyun’s first practical skills was picking a lock. He gets dressed to avoid shivering in cold, pocketed a wire with him and walked to the door, but the door swung open first and revealed Johnny.

 

Johnny likes to stare and he's smart. He took one look and he can tell he knew what's up.

 

“Where are you going?” He asked casually, still blocking the door.

 

“Rooftop. Come with me if you want but I'm not going to stay here and rest. I've had enough of it.”

 

There must be determination in his eyes because it didn't take him long to agree. “Alright. Just let me get the keys. Put the wire back, Jaehyun.”

 

Jaehyun shoved his wire back to the drawer, earning a surprised look from Johnny. “I said the last bit as a joke, but wow— you really intent to lock picking, huh?”

 

The keys for the rooftop was the keys they see everyday as they enter the floor. Johnny took it, walked behind him in the stairs, opened the door for him and then Jaehyun was walking first into the open space, inhaling the night air. The sky was black and blue without a single star, save for the moon. It was just any other night, but he missed this.

 

Johnny was beside him too, yet there was no words exchanged between them. He was grateful for the comfortable silence. And after a few moments staring at the blank sky, he was grateful as well for having Johnny now. He had a sudden epiphany that the world is big, as proven by the sky, and so many thing could happen. Unwillingly his mind flashed to the night, where he could have been killed—

 

“How was the mission?” Jaehyun asked, changing to look at the city line rather than the sky. It was vast and from here, their white city lights are subdued.

 

“Nothing special about it.” He saw Johnny shrugged in his peripheral vision. “Unless you find it interesting that Yuta managed to trip on his own shoelaces and grope Taeyong’s butt at one move.”

 

Jaehyun snorts. After his brief dischargement from mission, Taeyong and Johnny are sent on to replace his spot in mission. Taeyong because he had the same type of charm as Jaehyun, Johnny because of his build.

 

“I'm assuming that Taeyong enjoys it?”

 

Johnny chuckled. “Bet. He got angry, but he was flustered until we reached the base. Won't even spare a glance at Yuta or accept his apology.”

 

“Ah, young love.” Jaehyun retorted, the conversation ending there. A breeze of wind passed them both, and he pulled his sleeves to cover him. The action was noticed by Johnny. He saw how Johnny stared at him confusingly, but he ignored it.

 

“Come here if you're cold.” Johnny said, spreading one arm towards him before putting it down. “Or you can tell me how are you doing.”

 

Jaehyun did both. He stepped closer to him, wrapping the arm by his shoulders and let Johnny tighten the hold and bring him close to his body. For a man whose hands are always cold, Johnny is surprisingly warm.

 

“I'm fine. I got enough rest these weeks. Applied my ointment regularly. It's going well.” He answered calmly, leaning to Johnny.

 

“The eyebags in your eyes is noticeable than before,” Ah. He'd forgotten about how observant Johnny is, and how detailed his observation is. “You sure you had enough sleep?”

 

There was no point of lying at this point, and he felt like he owed Johnny one. “I do have them. It's just, they come with nightmares sometimes and when it happens, I refuse to sleep for a day.”

 

“And this is a recurrence?”

 

The reply was quick. “Yeah.”

 

“What about it?”

 

Jaehyun missed a beat just to answer the question. He hugged himself, not because of the cold, but of the sudden vulnerability he is about to express. Johnny mistook it for a sign of coldness though, both of his arms wrapped around Jaehyun, warm and comforting. “About the night. Alternate endings that might happen if you weren't there.”

 

“If I weren't there,” Johnny repeated, and it sounded depressing. They were both silent and the statement stayed in the air. Even if Johnny wants to take it back, he can't.

 

“Yet I was indeed there. You survived. You're in one healthy piece now.” He poked Jaehyun’s waist as if to make evidence. It amused him.

 

“Thankfully,” Jaehyun breathed out, shuddering. He reached for Johnny's hand, the one in his waist and he held it. When Johnny squeezed his hand, he was already comfortable. “Maybe I just need an assurance.”

 

✝

 

Looking back at it now, the assurance his younger self was talking about was how he needed to see or to be told that he survived another day of being set on a high risk, high pressure job. It was pretty profound and based on a real, traumatizing (though he still feel this is just another risk of his job) event, so the rest understood and don't make fun of it.

 

But they do make fun of his peculiar habit of kissing the others, usually Johnny because they're often on a team together, after a successful mission. They have a jobless day once and Yuta had gone into the depths of the internet to see what it is about Jaehyun’s strange activity. It only took one hour before Yuta concluded that Jaehyun had an adrenaline kink, and it didn't take long for the whole unit to know.

 

“Adrenaline kink, huh?” He remembered that was the first thing he heard when he climbed into Johnny's bed, and his intentions of getting spoiled evaporated into thin air.

 

“Not you too.” Jaehyun mumbled, face planting into the bed. Johnny laughed at him, and he is an important enough of a figure for him to feel embarrassed. He let Johnny pulled him onto his lap, facing him.

 

“It seems plausible, though.” The older shrugged, a finger poking a spot in his cheek where his dimple would be. “You told me the adrenaline was the only thing keeping you going that night, and adrenaline don't just go quickly. You kissed me right after I got close to you.”

 

Jaehyun groaned, not only because it made sense but because Johnny brought back the kiss incident. While he had every right to talk about it, especially now that he became some sort of a kissing post for Jaehyun, it was still embarrassing. He really thought that was the first and the last time he did something rash like that, but he and Mark had been assigned a painstakingly long mission before, and when they finished, the first thing Jaehyun did is to give a big fat smooch to Mark's cheeks.

 

“Well, I'm not going to do it again.” was Jaehyun's defense. Johnny merely shrugged, albeit judging by the smug grin he has on his face, Johnny is clearly doubting him.

 

“Whatever you say,” Johnny said, ending the conversation as he pressed kisses to Jaehyun’s jaw, effectively shutting his brain down.

 

That conversation took place two days ago. Now, Jaehyun is intent on not letting his.. 'kink’ take control of him as he ventures out on another mission with Yuta and Taeil. It's a stalking job of medium risk that all of them had known the know-hows. The objective is simple: take as many pictures without bringing attention. Jaehyun gets to be alone on a rooftop, while Yuta and Taeil stays below him, across the street where their object would be. They'll watch him from inside of a car.

 

It was only a few minutes until midnight. Their object is a spy of another agency, and the reason for this spying is because of the ruined state the agency is in. This is a favour slash job, the payment doesn't come in money or to them individually, but it will be beneficial for SM in the future as they are collecting friends and foe to become the strongest.

 

Kim Hanbin was an uptight, strict agent according to his perfect working records and Sir Yang’s own words. He was a leader of the unit iKON, a role model to the newbies, a trusted agent among co-workers and Sir Yang himself. The suspicion that Hanbin was selling their information only arise when a few confidential datas went missing for a day, returning quickly the next. Scanning shows the database was hacked from a source somewhere in North Korea, but upon close inspection, it was made to look like it was from there.

 

This was the start of the favour between Sir Yang and SM, as Boss sent Lucas and Jisung to do the computer work and they found out some interesting points. Jaehyun doesn't remember all, because he was never exactly in the case, that's more of Doyoung and Taeyong's job. His usually consists of field work.

 

Still, he knows enough of Hanbin to be aware of his actions and what the smallest gesture meant, same thing goes with both Taeil and Yuta. All Jaehyun need to do was watch over Hanbin and tell them anything that's alarming.

 

Easier said than done, of course. He's on top of a roof near where Hanbin is, and Lucas has made it available for him to access the outside CCTV of the building and cameras in street lights. Hanbin sits on a rental car, as his owned transportation is a motorcycle, seemingly waiting for something. There hasn't been a clue on to who Hanbin sells their information too, but they were told to look out for any unfamiliar faces that came near him. Jaehyun had memorized faces of the acquaintances, friends and families that Hanbin have three days before mission.

 

A figure comes approaching from the end of the street. Lucas provided him open access to camera in street lights at his side of the street and to where Yuta and Taeil is, but the camera quality is grainy. Nevertheless, he takes a snapshot of the figure on the screen and continue to watch as they walked weirdly. As if they were limping.

 

The odd movement catch Hanbin’s attention too, enough for him to look at the figure. Jaehyun sees this all from the outside CCTV of the building, and he screen records this in case it meant anything. And it definitely means something when the figure, who turns out to be a female, stops in front of Hanbin's car.

 

Sensing a chance to recognize the female and gain credible evidence, he puts on a mask and takes a camera with zooming lens appropriate to take a shot from a high height. Johnny's an expert at these kinds of things and he would've been assigned if they didn't need him to pack at the basecamp.

 

He lay on his stomach near the edge of the rooftop and slowly raise the camera to his eyes before zooming in to Hanbin's car below, where the female from before had gone inside and seem to be talking with Hanbin. He captures all of these moments and waits for the lady to turn back, so Jaehyun can see her.

 

 _Turn around and put your fucking seat belt._ Jaehyun nags mentally at her. They still continue to talk however, Hanbin’s expression ranging from serious to concerned to smitten, making him wonder if the female is a buyer or a potential love interest. Either way, Jaehyun still want to know, because it's his job to get to the bottom of this.

 

After a dozen shots later, the two seemed to come into an agreement as they nod and shake each other hand. Hanbin gestured to the road with his hand, an action that may mean driving, so Jaehyun quickly notify Taeil and Yuta as they can follow them as soon as Hanbin drive away. They would need to pick up Jaehyun first before that, meaning Jaehyun will have to get off the roof in lightning speed.

 

The female in question replied with her hands raised, suggesting to wait, before turning into Jaehyun’s direction to reach for her bag. His heart jumps out of his ribcage at this moment, steadying himself to prevent taking blurry pictures, as the lady pulls out a file folder out of the bag.

 

Jaehyun makes sure to take doubles before he stops taking pictures, rolling on his back and almost breathless, he says to his in-ear, “I got some good shit. Hanbin seems to be leaving in ten minutes or so. I'll get back to you soon.”

 

Finishing up is the most satisfying part. Jaehyun shuts down the tablet that he used to see from CCTVs, packs the camera back into its place and tug off his spy outfit to something more casual looking. That meant he change his bulletproof vest to leather jacket. He keeps his gloves and boots though, they will be handy for him as he come down from the roof.

 

Jaehyun climbs down fast thanks to the urgency of the situation, jogging lightly across the street to get inside the car. Taeil starts the engine as soon as he got in, already driving to a direction Hanbin presumably take. While he drives, Yuta turns to him. “What's this good shit you're talking about?”

 

“I got the face of the woman Hanbin's talking to inside his car and a shot where she pulled out a folder out of her bag. That has to mean something.”

 

“Do you recognize her from anywhere?”

 

“Nope. It's definitely not one of his friends or families.” He replies, leaning back into his seat.

 

Yuta nods his head in understanding. “Good job, bud. Want a kiss? I know your adrenaline's past the roof since you climbed down so quickly.”

 

Jaehyun doesn't bother to hide his disgust. “I'm fine. Also I'd rather die.”

 

“Ah, a little correction there.” Yuta retorts, his tone turns from normal into somewhat taunting. “You'd rather kiss Johnny even if he had nothing to do with the mission.”

 

Before he could react, Taeil speak up. “We lost them, guys. I think they take a turn somewhere and we missed it.”

 

He's right. Hanbin's yellow rental car is nowhere to be seen. It doesn't help either that they're at a busy street, they could have gone anywhere.

 

“Let's just go back to basecamp.” Yuta says, transitioning from being a friend to a mission leader. “We'll show the pictures to them and then make a decision from there. This was never meant to be a following order anyway.”

 

Just like that, the pressure and adrenaline left his body, leaving only fatigueness. Jaehyun take comfort on hugging his bag. He didn't sleep though, knowing full well that the limited space will hurt his neck.

 

The basecamp is still alive at this hour, which isn't surprising since their jobs are mostly done at night and also because they need to move out soon, three days if they work hard or a week if they work meticulously. As an agent, they need to do both. Doyoung predicted they will finish in five days. The rest agreed.

 

“You're back in one piece! Thank God.” Taeyong greets them from his clean desk with only his laptop and mug on top. “How did it go?” He gestures them to sit down in front of him.

 

Jaehyun is the one who mainly speak throughout the briefing, turning on his tablet to show the scenes that lead to a possible contact between Hanbin and the female, as shown by the pictures he took in a camera. The quality is clear despite taking from a high building and the only source of light was from streetlights. Yuta supplies with details he noticed and Taeil talks about following them last night.

 

By the time they finished talking, almost all the members had surrounded them, wanting to know what they found. The only members he didn't see is Winwin and Johnny. Taeyong takes a look from the camera, before asking Lucas to save it digitally and printing it out.

 

“Good job for all of you but especially to Jaehyun, you did really great.” As if on cue, the members cheers and Yuta puts an arm around him, and for a moment he was scared that he will kiss him.

 

Yuta must have read his mind, because the next second, “what if we give a big fat kiss for Jaehyun to appreciate him? Like he did with some of us!” The idea gets a cheer again from the members, but fortunately Doyoung put a stop of it.

 

“Knock it off, Yuta. We can celebrate later, look how tired our main character is.” He juts his chin towards Jaehyun, his tone strict enough for Yuta to take off his arm and shrug.

 

He finally gets to be dismissed and he quickly return to his room, with half of his mind considering to just fall down into his bed. He shakes the thought away, knowing how lazy he'll get once he gets to his bed. Dragging himself to the bathroom he swears to shower fast.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Jaehyun walks out with a dripping hair and a towel bathrobe. He finds Johnny sitting on his bed, staring. “Congratulation on the success.”

 

“Thank you,” He pulls a dry towel and put it on his head. “Where were you?”

 

“Moving things out while Winwin does inventory.” He shrugs, stretching his arm up. Jaehyun glances at how his sleeves rode up, showing a bit of his defined muscles before deciding to start dressing himself before anything happens.

 

“Let me dry your hair for you.” He says as Jaehyun opens his closet, grabbing his clothes randomly.

 

“Uh, sure. Let me dress first.”

 

At this point, there's nothing to be ashamed of. They both have seen each other naked, Johnny has no shame in admitting that he likes to check Jaehyun out and well, Jaehyun’s not entirely the most subtle since the very first start. He could just discard the robe and wear his underwear freely, but for some reason he needed to wear his underwear first before doing so, as if Johnny hadn't seen his ass before.

 

He dress fast, putting the bathrobe on a hangar before climbing into the bed where Johnny is, giving him his towel. He sits in front of him as Johnny begin to dry his hair.

 

It was always a comfortable silent that happens when they don't speak, but Jaehyun wants to let Johnny know, wants to prove himself, thus: “I didn't kiss anyone after the mission today.”

 

Johnny stops his movement for a bit, before starting again. “And this matters to me, because…”

 

“Because you don't believe I'm capable of doing it, which I prove you wrong by the way.”

 

Johnny stops his movement again, this time ordering him to turn around. Once he does, he wrap the towel on his neck and pulls him closer using the towel.

 

“So,” he enunciates the syllable slowly. “You don't have an adrenaline kink.”

 

Jaehyun looks mortified. “I definitely don't!”

 

Something flickers in Johnny's eyes, something like amusement which would offend him if it weren't so quickly replaced by a startling seriousness.

 

“You do realize, this means… this whole time, you've been kissing me for no reasons at all.” With the pace of his speaking, it's almost like Johnny is spelling it out for him. _You've kissed him multiple times and for what!_ The response to that mental question is only answered by the reddening tip of his ears. God, he hate being readable.

 

“That's not true. I kiss to celebrate successful missions, like what I did with Mark, Doyoung.” He answer petulantly. “It's not only you.”

 

Johnny's expression doesn't falter. He removes his grasp on the towel and lean back to sit straight. “Point taken. But how come you come to kiss me more than the members you actually mission with? Why not Taeil and Yuta, for example?”

 

“Maybe because some of us are closer to a person more than anyone else?” He squints at Johnny. “And I didn't kiss you! I'm not kissing you yet.”

 

“Do you want to kiss me?” Johnny asks so promptly it surprised Jaehyun.

 

“Is this a trap?”

 

“No,” Johnny sighs. “I actually want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?”

 

Jaehyun pretends to mull over just to gauge his reaction out, and nods after seeing the desperation in his eyes. Johnny had seen the emotion in him too many times before, but he never sees it in Johnny. Until now.

 

This is familiar. How they feel pressed again each other, how they interlock, how they kiss—wonderful, that is the word to to describe it. Jaehyun is delirious in the sensation when Johnny pressed him to the bed, their kiss deepens almost instantly.

 

Johnny breaks the kiss in time, giving him a chance to breathe. His breath is cut short however, as Johnny stares at him with a resolute gaze that avoids his eyes, focusing on his neck more than anything. Jaehyun reaches out to him then, but Johnny catch his hand before it could even touch him.

 

“I was wondering,” Johnny says casually after he kiss Jaehyun’s palm and each of his fingers, something he hasn't done before but Jaehyun isn't entirely surprised now that he'd done it. “I never have the chance to kiss every inch of you yet.” He continues again after doing the same thing with the other hand.

 

“True,” this time Johnny didn't do anything when Jaehyun reach out, only leaning into his hands when Jaehyun brush his cheeks. “I never have the chance to do the same thing to you too.”

 

“Is this fine?” He doesn't even wait for an answer, already leaving kisses on to his neck, which make Jaehyun's knees buckle a little. Johnny bites on a particularly sensitive spot under his ear, resulting on a loud gasp.

 

The sound seem to catch his interest as Johnny returns to his mouth, and it was done so hungrily that all the sounds that managed to come out is a series of broken, muffled moans. Jaehyun squeezes him hard when he start slipping a hand under his shirt, his back arching in surprise.

 

“I've just showered,” Jaehyun whines, pulling Johnny's hand away from his shirt. “And I'm tired. I want to be cuddled.”

 

Johnny moves to lay beside him, an arm spread out so Jaehyun can use it as a neck pillow or something. “I'm sorry.” He says when Jaehyun finally settles into his arms, his head the same height as his throat.

 

“It's okay,” he mumbles, closing his eyes now. “I know I'm irresistible.”

 

Johnny scoffs, but doesn't say anything. He could tell Jaehyun is starting to fall asleep, and it's not like the statement is false. Jaehyun is indeed irresistible, and he's glad that Jaehyun's eyes are closed now. If it had been opened, he's afraid Jaehyun could tell what's on his mind from a single glance. Even his thoughts himself scares him.

 

He allows himself to kiss Jaehyun good night at the top of his head, before joining him to sleep.

 

✝

 

Nothing much changed after.

 

Even if there is one, it's most likely they don't notice it happening because they were already on the move to be back on their original basecamp, where the whole unit reside. Seoul is comforting, the town, the people, everything. Most of them spent the majority of their life on this building, so everyone is excited to come back.

 

After a tear jerking reunion between them and the younger units, they went off separately to do their own things. Jaehyun goes straight into his old room that he hadn't slept in two years. Everything is surprisingly clean, and as Jaehyun opens his secret stash, nothing is out of ordinary. There's a stack of old polaroid inside of a clear plastic. Jaehyun stares at it long enough for the pictures to form in his head. He shoves those images away and shut the stash close, ignoring the urge to look through it. It's too early to be emotional.

 

He cleans himself fast out of habit, using the shower instead of the big, circle bathtub he's lucky to have in his room. He makes a reminder to use the tub at least twice before he leaves again, although Taeyong had told them that they will be staying for a month or more.

 

The basecamp is an anti earthquake, seven floor building and a vast basement that's half a parking lot, half a testing area for their tools and weaponry. Level one has the same function, except it has a formal lobby to impersonate an office and an inventory room. Level two is a place for paperwork and makeshift hospital. Level three and four are their dorms, each level had nine bedrooms with an inside bathroom, living room, kitchen. Level five is gym and a practice purpose fight ring. Level six is a laboratarium for inventions, and the seventh floor is empty of anything important. The rooftop has a helipad.

 

He takes an elevator to level six. The living room of his floor is almost full of people because it seems like the member has an ongoing video game competition. While the offer is tempting, Jaehyun wants to talk to someone more than he wants to play.

 

He brings with him a box full of sandwich and a couple of drinks in his two hands, nudging the door to the laboratorium as silently as possible. He can see Jaemin in the most cornered part of the lab, bent on doing something.

 

“How long have you been here?” Jaehyun murmurs so that he doesn't surprise his half brother, but Jaemin flinch despite his small volume.

 

“Quite a long time.” His younger brother sighs, gloved hands full of dirt. The action makes Jaehyun realize that his barely eighteen brother is doing an adult's work. He should be living a normal life of going to school, hanging out with friends, having a crush maybe. Jaehyun should be reminding him to do his homework, not to be careful when handling poisonous plants.

 

“You can stop looking at me like that, you know. I'm smart, and I'm still a teenager in a lot of ways. You can still nag at me for being one.” Jaemin moves from his work, a potted rhododendron and azalea, to the table where Jaehyun places the sandwich box. He tugs off his lab coat and gloves and use a plastic to pick up a bread instead of his bare hands.

 

“Why can't you wash your hands?” Jaehyun asks, picking a sandwich himself. Jaemin thankfully chews with his mouth close, but seeing how it's taking him so long to chew, he must have counted to twenty or thirty before swallowing.

 

“Because I'm a rebellious teenager.” Jaemin then take another bite, this time chewing with open mouth. “Go on, nag me, brother.” He says again, making sure that Jaehyun can see his chewing.

 

“You stop doing that right now, young man.” He nags, happy to follow his brother's request. He feels a little less guilty now, but he didn't tell Jaemin that. It's still too early to be emotional.

 

Jaemin makes a face at him and snicker, while Jaehyun rolls his eyes and tries to hide his growing grin. Nice to see that his brother still has playfulness despite their life. It's nice to know that they're okay. They eat in silence for the next minutes. Jaehyun looks around and observe, since it's been a long time since he went here. He's never a brain type, more into action and the fast decisions, but he wonders what it feels like if he switch. He'd probably accidentally hurt himself.

 

“Are you getting better?” It was spoken so soft and quietly that Jaehyun knows Jaemin was referring to that night where he almost got killed. It was hard at first to tell him about it, because it's not exactly the type of story you want to expose to a relative, but it all turns out well. Jaemin started to understand why Jaehyun refuse to allow him to do missions, and he became more relent. Of course he didn't completely decided on what Jaemin should do, but missions are clearly off limits. Jaehyun had to thank Jaemin as well for making it easy for him to open up, which he had done before but he would do it all over again and again.

 

“Better than ever.” Jaehyun stares at Jaemin with calm eyes, assuring him. “I'm not scared anymore.”

 

Jaemin puts his hand on top of his and smile brightly. “Should I thank Johnny for that?”

 

“I, how do you know that?”

 

Jaemin furrows his eyebrows in confusion, gripping his hand instead of holding it. “How do I know that Johnny helped you? You told me that you went out on a rooftop together and talked.”

 

“Oh, that.” Jaehyun visibly relaxed. “Yeah, you should probably thank him for that.”

 

“Is there anything new that I should know about?” Jaemin squints at him, looking suspicious. “Are you hiding something for me? About you and Johnny?”

 

Oh, God. He'd forgotten how curious Jaemin can get. That's how landed him in being an inventor in the first place, because 8th grader Jaemin finds out a way to make a timed explosion of his science mountain lava project. It got him a pretty gold medal.

 

“There isn't anything between us other than being coworkers and good friends.” Jaehyun removes his hand from Jaemin as his brother has started to grip hard enough for him to feel pain. “Nothing that you haven't know about.”

 

“I think you're underestimating me here, brother dear.” Jaemin leans back in his chair, arms crossed and a taunting smirk graces his face. “Have you forgotten that I can ask Mark and he'll tell me anything?”

 

Ah, fuck. He also forgot how weak Mark is for Jaemin. To be fair, they're both weak for each other but Jaemin uses this advantage more than Mark, who doesn't have a single trace of cunning in him like Jaemin is. He would be lying to say that he isn't worried.

 

“Go ahead, brother dear.” He retorts confidently instead, not showing his fear. “His guess is as good as yours.”

 

Jaemin look at him in a calculating manner, before shrugging. “Whatever, I'll just do it later. Right now I'm in need of a bath.”

 

They walked together to the elevator holding hands despite their little fight, chatting all the way down to fourth floor where Jaemin’s room is, while his room is on the third. They bid each other goodbye with a flying kiss, and Jaehyun found it comforting to have someone who fits him like a puzzle piece.

 

When he got out to his floor, he discard the box and the drinks into the sink, someone will eventually wash it anyway. The game competition is still on, but Jaehyun still isn't interested to be around so many people. He didn't find Johnny in the crowds, and he idly wonders where he is.

 

He never went to Johnny's room before when they live in this place. But Johnny's room is next to Taeil and he thankfully knows where Taeil’s room is because he used to come and joke around and have a father-son pep talk. He's familiar with this part of the building, but all the doors look the same so he stands in the middle of the hallway, unsure.

 

Until Johnny come out from one of the doors, that is. His hair is disheveled, like he just roll out of his bed. He almost walk past him if Jaehyun hadn't coughed.

 

“Jaehyun?” He appears to be stunned for some reason. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Trying to figure out which door leads to your room. How about you?”

 

“And what are you trying to do in my room?”

 

Jaehyun doesn't shy away, nor does he hold himself back. “I just want to see you, honestly.” He tilts his head innocently. “Would you mind?”

 

“Not at all.” Johnny shrugs, opening his room door. “I want to say that I was about to look for you but I don't want to stroke your ego.”

 

Jaehyun invites himself inside, stepping into the dimmed room. Johnny has black sheets and a dozen of colorful plushies in his bed. It's very contrasting. “I have something else you can stroke.” He responds, looking back to Johnny.

 

“Unbelievable.” Johnny snorts. “What else comes from that pretty mouth of yours?”

 

He walks toward him, silently answering his question by hugging his neck with his arms, mouth slightly pouting. He trails his finger from the tip of his jaw down to his chest. “I can say I miss you.”

 

Johnny is tense for some reason, Jaehyun half expects him to push him away. To prevent that from happening, he hugged him properly this time, both arms curling on Johnny's waist. He feels the muscles relaxing and he breathes in relief.

 

“Is everything okay?” Jaehyun looks up for a bit, and his heart did palpitations when he finds Johnny staring down at him, eyes unreadable again. It was the first line of defense for agents to be unreadable and expressionless. But they're on a break, they're not agents again yet, just normal people now. To have someone using that sort of defense—someone who has clearly seen the worst of him, no less, is almost hurtful.

 

“I'll get okay.” At least Johnny didn't bother with the white lies. He appreciates that. They get themselves comfortable on the bed, and Jaehyun finds himself sitting in the space between Johnny's spread legs while the latter leans into the headboard. He has an alpaca plushie on his lap, it smelled nice and clean. “Tell me more about how you miss me.” He mumbles into the crook of his neck, and how can Jaehyun resist that?

 

“I just do.” He stops himself from speaking because Johnny started to nuzzle, and he exposed more of his neck so the latter can do whatever he please. “What do you want to hear, anyway?” He asks with much effort to stay calm and composed.

 

“I don't think you'll be able to give it to me even if I ask.” There are fingers slowly inching upwards from his waist, sneaking under his shirt. Jaehyun leans his weight completely on Johnny, unable to hold himself. He had gotten used to the coldness in Johnny's hand, but when his nipples came in contact with his fingers, Jaehyun lets out a yelp. It turns into a long, breathy moan as Johnny plays with them, tweaking and rubbing the buds with his finger.

 

“Right, Jaehyun?”

 

“Hmm,” It takes him some time to remember what was Johnny asking about, especially when his sensitive spot is being nibbled, he almost let out sounds instead of words. “You shouldn't expect hearing anything from me.” He says at last, hoping that sounded right.

 

At the statement, however, Johnny stops his ministrations and becomes rigid. He push Jaehyun away from him and stands up, not looking at him. “I'm going to take a bath.”

 

“Take me with you,” Jaehyun grabs Johnny's wrist and pleads with his eyes, though it was mostly useless because Johnny still isn't looking at him. “You have the big bathtub that fits two people and more, right?”

 

When Johnny finally turns to look at him, Jaehyun sees resignation in his eyes. His lips are pursed, thinking, and it got Jaehyun nervous because Johnny is, _was_ familiar and agreeing that he just know how to be around him. He turns into this sort of a clingy brat because he knows Johnny can deal with it, but maybe— maybe he has been taking this too far, more than Johnny is comfortable with. His guilty conscience nags at him for never asking what Johnny feels, only doing what he wants. It nags and nags, but it was right.

 

“Nevermind,” Jaehyun drop his grip on Johnny's wrist and stands up, feeling immensely out of place. “I think you need some alone time more.”

 

He exits the room quickly, not looking back even when Johnny calls for him, his heart beating fast as he speed walk to his room. _Please don't chase me. Please don't chase me._ He mutters desperately while making his way to his room, and he's either relieved or disappointed when he didn't hear footsteps nearing to his room.

 

In the few hours before dawn, Jaehyun lies awake in his bed, staring mutely at the ceiling. Everything seems clearer at this time, and that's almost like a curse. Because he doesn't want to know that he's more disappointed that Johnny never comes knocking or that his heart isn't exactly beating from the rush when he escapes, its breaking apart.

 

✝

 

He spend the following days rather productively despite his aching heart, and if he focus more on his daily activities with Jaemin, he can almost forgot he has one. His brother is ever perceptive, so when Jaehyun sticks around longer than he usually does, Jaemin isn't hesitating to ask why.

 

“I had nightmares again.” He says as lightly as possible, but he notices how Jaemin stiffens and his hands balled into fists. He wonders if he should say something else, but he doesn't. Jaemin isn't as willing to accept things as he is, what is probably a trait that comes from a father that they shared.

 

“You're safe here! It won't happen again.” The boy hugs him tightly, as if proving a point. Jaehyun hugs back even more, squeezing the heck out of his brother. After a while, they let go. Jaemin was probably feeling stuffy from being pressed into his chest.

 

“I'm so glad you come here and share this with me.” The younger of the two clasp their hands together, giving comfort by the gesture. “Who else have you told?”

 

“Other than you, no one...yet.” He adds the last bit to prevent Jaemin from being angry, because he is most against Jaehyun's habit of keeping things to himself. Jaehyun is against it too, to be honest, but he finds it convenient at times so he never really tries to change it.

 

“Communication is important! I know it's hard to tell sometimes, but when you can speak about it to someone else, then you know you're getting better.”

 

“...I understand.” He nods in agreement. “I'll tell someone else about it, like Johnny or Taeyong.”

 

Jaemin makes him promise it, before continuing on collecting poisonous parts of plants. They get field work more than hitman missions but it has always been a goal to come up with an untraceable, practical method without spilling too much blood of the victims. Cleaning a crime scene is a bother, so they tend to avoid physical fights. But sometimes a closer stance is needed to have the chance to kill, and poison is usually the way they do this.

 

This is what they'll be doing. Making poisons. It's more of Jaemin's job actually, Jaehyun is more of an observer than an actual helper. He's not entirely useless too, he helps Jaemin take notes of his work and to write the random observation he speak of when working. They were getting along so well, until the laboratory door opens loudly, and Mark shows up unexpectedly.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, but—” He stops to catch his breath, and Jaehyun wonders if the boy took the stairs instead of the lift. If the thought is true, what kind of urgency for him to react like this? “We need the two of you right now. Come with me to the second floor.”

 

As curious as he is, Jaehyun doesn't ask any questions. Jaemin does that instead of him, asking why Mark looked so panic-stricken, did he take the stairs instead of the lift, what happen? All of these are answered merely by the shake of his head. When he thinks Mark is incapable of saying anything, the boy turns to Jaemin, eyes softening and momentarily forgetting Jaehyun was there, he brush Jaemin's cheeks and say, “I'll always be right here beside you.”

 

The elevator opens to the second floor right on this moment, saving Jaehyun from the awkwardness of seeing his baby brother lovey dovey, but as soon as he stepped out, the atmosphere was already awkward. Taeyong glance at the two of them with a look Jaehyun is all too familiar with. He almost wanted to say “Did someone die?” just so they can spit it out, but he doesn’t want to make Jaemin think of that, of death and all the gruesome things, despite their poison making activities. He did stare at Taeyong long and hard. The man shift slightly under his look.

 

Doyoung make them sit down first and even offer them drinks. Jaemin answers that for him and one of the younger unit member is asked to retrieve it for them. There’s a lot of people in this room now that Jaehyun looks around, and Taeil who has listened to him in his younger days and knows how reserved he is, notices this and take the younger units and some of his fellow agents away, until only six of them stay. Doyoung gives them their drinks, Taeyong sits at his chair looking nervous, Jaemin sits beside him with Mark who refuse to leave the room, while Johnny stands near Taeyong’s desk. He was looking at him again, but Jaehyun refuses to spare another glance. He looks at Doyoung instead who was getting ready to speak.

 

“Thank you for joining. I’ll just be blunt with this one, what was the last time you heard from your father?”

 

Taeyong is uncomfortable. Jaemin is more confused than anything, and he himself isn’t surprised by the question. So his father gets out from his hiding again, nothing new about that. “The last time was three years ago at Christmas. He gave out cards and some other things.”

 

“Okay then,” Doyoung replies. “Are you aware that when you reach certain years, the agency gives you freedom to return to your families? You’ll be able to spend your free time with them and when your contract ends, you may even live with them.”

 

“I know about that. That’s in the third page of our working contract.” He retorts with a roll of his eyes, already tired from the lack of direction the conversation has. “I don’t know why you bring that up, though. Our father is not coming back or getting out from his hiding.”

 

“Ah, about that, Jaehyun.” Taeyong joins in the conversation. “We have a suspicion that your father has left his hiding and create a new alias, new life in this area. Here in Seoul.”

 

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. “Your suspicion doesn’t mean anything. You know how many times I wished he come out? That didn’t happen.”

 

Taeyong looks like he regrets saying it, mouth shut instantly. He knows he's being harsh, but there's really no need for false hopes. Before anyone could snap, Doyoung jumps in again. “Let me rephrase that, Jaehyun. We have _evidence_ that your father is here with a new alias and is living normally.”

 

Doyoung doesn't shrink when Jaehyun stares at him, so he shrugs and gestures him to move on. Pleased, Doyoung continues. “Johnny, if you can recount to them what happened when you're out earlier.”

 

The story goes like this: Johnny was paying for the groceries when a man before him dropped a photo from his chest pocket. He called him about it, the man thanked him and they talked a little bit outside. Johnny didn't really look at the photo, but it was of two boys smushed together. He conversationally asked if they were his sons, because it's a totally Johnny thing to strike up conversations with a total stranger. The man nodded and went ahead to talk about his two sons. He didn't give a name, but he tells Johnny about the things they do. He told Johnny that the younger brother had back problems, causing the older brother to be extra protective and caring. The man recounted about how the older obsessed over peaches, so when the younger is sick, he'll eat and drink the peaches his brother had prepared for him. He ranted off about a lot of other things, and while Johnny listened, he can't help but to think that this sounded a lot like Jaehyun's childhood.

 

At the newfound discovery of Johnny knowing a part of his childhood, Jaemin turns to look at him with a mixture of knowing and confusion, Jaehyun knows he owes an explanation. But it's not that hard to figure out why. Johnny had seen him at his worst and he had opened himself to him about it, naturally it'll lead to other things he had kept shut before.

 

“Now, this can all be an extreme coincidence, but I've seen something that I think it's worth knowing. The man was wearing a nametag and he answered when I asked if he work. He said he's an office worker in Mapo district, and his nametag is Na Jaeseok.”

 

“He uses my surname,” Jaemin is concerned, and Jaehyun finds himself relating a little bit. “That's risky. There's less Na's than Jung's, not to mention he uses Jae as the first syllable of his name. What if—”

 

Mark beats him on calming Jaemin, speaking in hushed tones to assure that no one will find the link; because when he signed with the agency, the agency had taken care of his identity. What that means is Na Jaemin only exists for them and some people in the agency to ensure safety. It's the first thing to be done when someone got in.

 

“And to be sure that it really is your father,” Johnny continues after Jaemin calms down. “I ran a searching system for offices in Mapo District and employees with surname Na, found five of them, three of them have websites for workers to login. They all have a photo profile, but this one is the Na I met today.”

 

With a flick of his fingers, the screen behind Taeyong turns on and it shows him a tired looking man, looking to be in his fifties or more, but what makes it undoubtedly his father is how the man smile slightly at the camera and two dimples appear in his cheeks. The scar in his left eyebrow is also a dead giveaway, because Jaehyun remembers someone throwing him burnt charcoal back then in the dark times.

 

“Fuck,” The curse was under his breath, but he only realized the room was silent after he cursed, so everyone can hear it. Jaemin doesn't seem perturbed by it, but he guesses that's because he was still processing all of this. Trying to understand that their father had come out of a carefully crafted life on the low, only to leave it and restart it again, and not as safe or thought clearly as before. For what?

 

“I'm going out.”

 

This time, no one calls out for him when he leaves.

 

✝

 

He couldn't go out 'out’, of course. He never intended to anyway. He finds the rooftop to be too tall, this whole time he only climbed standard sized buildings of two or three floors max, but going that high up feels like a death wish. Jaehyun settles for the highest floor instead, the empty space of level seven, not so empty with random wrapped furniture and wall sized windows. The view of the sky is breathtaking from here, and he takes his time to rip open a plastic wrap of a bean bag before sitting on it.

 

And then he tries to think. But there's nothing to think about. He has no clue why his father did what he did, simply because he never tells him anything. Although Jaehyun hasn't really try to believe what his father is writing him before, so he couldn't really blame all of this too him.

 

He was seconds away from sinking into the depths of his past life when Jaemin shows up out of nowhere with two drinks and a box of sandwich. Jaehyun stands up in shock, before getting embarrassed and slightly angry for reacting that dramatic.

 

Jaemin puts the box and drinks on the floor due to the lack of surface and take a seat on an ottoman. He opens the box and casually starts talking. “You look disappointed on seeing me, brother dear.”

 

“I am _not_.” Jaehyun returns to his seat and reluctantly takes the sandwich and drink. He didn't feel like eating but he knew Jaemin was returning the favor of what he usually does. “Just mad at myself for reacting dramatically like that.”

 

His brother merely responds with a hum, and silence envelopes them as both are focused with eating. Jaemin finished one whole sandwich before talking again.

 

“How do you feel about this?” He sips his drink and watch him, and Jaehyun copies his gesture so that Jaemin can relate to him even if they have different thoughts. Body Gesture 101.

 

“Surprised.” When Jaemin continues to stare, Jaehyun talks more. “I just think it's stupid. He's risking his safety here, for what? A chance to have a normal life? Tough luck.”

 

“I thought the same before,” Jaemin takes another bread and stare at it with a focused look. He glances at Jaehyun. “But then Mark convinced me to look at another perspective, and that is our father knows exactly what he's doing.”

 

“Do tell me more about this, brother dear.”

 

“Remember when your father sent you a photo of you on a mission? Last year, I think.”

 

“How could I forgot my own father stalking me?”

 

Jaemin ignores the remark. “So it's creepy, because that means he's there with you and you don't even know. But it also means he's out there, outside from his hiding spot where he can be a victim, to be with you in a way. Because we all know it's hard for him to just show up and be in your life again.”

 

“And since he's out there using my surname as part of his alias, I'm assuming he wants to be in mine too. Adding to the fact that his first syllable is Jae, that's kind of saying he wants to be in our lives, permanently this time as he's in Seoul being an office worker.”

 

“This all seem like wishful thinking.” Jaehyun blurts out without thinking. Jaemin responds immediately with a curt reply.

 

“Would it kill you to think positively?” Jaemin puts down the sandwich he's been holding and sighs, as if composing himself. When he speaks, his voice is soft. “Good things can happen, you know. I know it's hard to believe when we faced a lot of hardships but isn't that supposed to make us hopeful instead of pessimistic? Because we survived all of those and storms don't last forever.”

 

Nobody speaks for awhile, and Jaehyun tries to think of a way to apologize and explain himself without too much reasoning. Before he could even start, the door opens rather loudly and Johnny shows up looking extremely disheveled.

 

“It's the man of positivity himself!” Jaemin salutes as a greeting of acknowledgement, smiling very widely to Jaehyun. He didn't know if he was mocking him, but at least he know Jaemin isn't mad at him for being negative and dense.

 

“Maybe you can learn something from him other than just sharing things, brother dear. Real relationship is pushing each other to be better.” Oh, he's definitely mocking. While he hated how he can feel the tip of his ear flushed at the implications, he was lucky that Jaemin says it low enough that only both of them can hear.

 

Jaemin leaves with a blow kiss and Johnny walks inside towards him. When he's close enough, Jaehyun looks up. “I take it you went to the rooftop?”

 

Johnny sheepishly smile. “It's pretty windy up there.” He then glance at the ottoman Jaemin sat on previously and then at him. “Do you mind?”

 

“Not at all. Here, have some of those.” He points to the box of sandwich while he sink into his bean bag. It's not the most comfortable, but Jaehyun just want to hide from the man.

 

Johnny answers with a nod, but he didn't reach for the sandwich. Instead he looks at the window before blurting out a word loud enough for him to hear.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Jaehyun forces himself to stare at Johnny. “For what?”

 

“Just for anything, really.” And before Jaehyun can catch the uncertainty of those words, Johnny continues. “Especially for a few days ago where I made you mad—”

 

“So you don't know what you're apologizing for.”

 

“No, I really don't.” He doesn't sound the least offended by Jaehyun cutting him off. Never look like he mind with Jaehyun doing anything to him. “Do I have to find out myself or can I ask?”

 

Jaehyun sits straight, as straight as a bean bag allows him, and think of what to say. Unfortunately he was never good at handling emotions, and right now he was flooded with it. He couldn't even recognize what was he feeling. Just know that it's enough influence for Jaehyun to spit it out.

 

“I don't know where we stand.” There it is. He's said it loud and clear and of course Johnny hears it. “That's what happened a few days ago when I ran. I can read you, you know?”

 

He turns to look at Johnny in a sudden bravery. The man was looking at him too, attentively listening, his gaze soft and welcoming. Jaehyun holds himself from getting up and being near him, that if he stopped talking right now he knew that'd mean he missed him. He missed Johnny a lot. But he didn't do any of those, deciding to talk again.

 

“And now, my father's back in the game. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know how to feel about lots of things.” He runs his fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm himself. It barely work, only succeeding on making him more agitated. He put his hands on his lap and balled it into a fist.

 

“There’s just a lot of things going on right now. I mean, you know that. Of course you do. Things that I don't know how it's going to work out, that is uncertain… it would be nice to have something, something I can hold for sure.”

 

Johnny is in front of him with a blink of his eye, and he had to lean down a little to be in the same level as him so he stands up instead, latching himself to Johnny without a word spoken. Johnny isn't against the action, but encouraging it by pressing Jaehyun close to him, a hand coming near his face his eyes naturally closed to protect itself. He can feel a finger brushing his wet cheeks, and he only noticed that he's been crying for a few minutes. The finger wipe his teary eyes, before resting on his jaw, holding it.

 

Jaehyun opens his eyes and finds Johnny staring at him again, seriously this time. He had only ever seen this side a few times, so used to see Johnny being laid back and pliant for him.

 

“You have me, Jaehyun. Literally and figuratively. You have me, all of me.” Looking straight at Johnny's gaze as he said it makes him shudder. He wasn't joking. The truthfulness of the situation was more enough to send another fresh batch of tears to appear, which Johnny wipes off as soon as he sees them. “You can have me whatever you want and I won't mind.”

 

“I want to have you for me. I want to have you with me.” He croaks out, sniffling. “Can you?”

 

“I can and I would.” Johnny answers so sternly it's almost like that was the plan this whole time. It's almost like that uneventful night again. Johnny seeing him at his worst, checking him up, making sure. They were silent then, they are silent now. But the silence is not something to be afraid of. They can read the silence just fine now. Everything is turning to be fine.

 

And history repeats itself when Jaehyun tiptoes and kiss Johnny with all the bottled emotions spilling and poured out, except this time Johnny doesn't push him away. He holds him and returns the kiss, and he imagines Johnny doing the same thing with him. Pouring his heart out into the kiss, because it feels different. It feels more intense.

 

It feels almost like love.

 

✝

 

“Stop moving. Sit down and don't touch your hair.”

 

Mark almost flipped him off, but he forces himself to sit down and put his hands on his lap, instead of threading his hair again like he has been doing for the past few minutes. Mark is so nervous it's amusing, but it's getting annoying to see that Mark jumps out over the smallest sound. A few minutes ago, voices and footsteps can be heard from upstairs, causing him to look alarmed and fumbled with his already perfect state of clothing. He hopes Mark doesn't have clammy hands.

 

“Seriously, calm down. It's just Jaemin.”  He tries to say.

 

Mark squeak in response. “He's the love of my life!”

 

Johnny sighs. He'd learned that sometimes there are things you can't help about, including this. People respond differently. If he is to be waiting for Jaehyun, he would be impatient. Just not as apparent as Mark is right now.

 

The footsteps they heard before appear again, and this time someone is definitely coming down. Mark jumps slightly in his seat, before standing up, holding a bouquet of flower behind his back.

 

Jaemin looks charming with his outfit, but Jaehyun behind him who only wears a hoodie and sweatpants looks even better. Although that's just him being biased.

 

“Here comes the bride.” Jaehyun jokes, and he sees Jaemin jerking him with his elbow, amusing his brother more than hurting him. They exchanged a silent look to each other.

 

Despite all of the nervousness, Mark manages to give Jaemin the flower, and they look at each other fondly before Mark hold his hands and ask, “Shall we?”

 

They went off. By the time the pair got out of the door, Jaehyun walks to him and he mutters loudly to himself. “Here comes the love of my life.”

 

Jaehyun scoffs, but he sees the tip of his ears reddened. His blooming smile isn't hard to miss either. When he drops next to him, Johnny welcomes him with a hand wrapped around his shoulders.

 

“I miss you.”

 

“Miss me?” Johnny repeats, pushing away Jaehyun's bangs from his eyes with his fingers.

 

“I haven't seen you all day because Jaemin is being Jaemin. He really wanted to impress that boyfriend of his.” He rest his head on Johnny's shoulder.

 

“I can say the same thing with Mark.”

 

“Well, now they're gone.”

 

“Yeah.” He now combs Jaehyun's hair out of habit. Jaehyun leans in even more.

 

“And we have the house for ourselves until tomorrow morning.”

 

“They're going home to Mark's place?”

 

“Yep.” Jaehyun nods and removes himself from Johnny, shaking off his hair a few times. In one movement he is on Johnny's lap again. He couldn't remember the last time he had someone in his lap that's not Jaehyun. For the past few years, it has always been him.

 

It also reminds him that for the past few years, he'd been in love with Jaehyun. It didn't start out as intense as it is now, of course. It was just a liking and adoration because Jaehyun is doing so good in their everyday job with less training years than him. Then it developed to something more when they got assigned in a series of hitman missions. In those type of missions, it isn't always jam-packed with actions. Most of the time it was waiting. And time spent waiting is spent by talking just about everything, until the other can kill while the other stay back and watch over and control the general situation. It might be the reason why they're sometimes attuned to each other, because the job demands them to be in sync and have constant communication.

 

Before he knew it, it turned into an infatuation. He found himself staring at Jaehyun sometimes, though no one seem to notice because Johnny likes to do that, staring at people. If they notice, then they'll know that Johnny likes staring at Jaehyun more than anyone, but no one knows. So he keep it to himself.

 

Infatuation turns to want, turns to love, turns to lust, turns to affection after he almost lost Jaehyun. Almost being the keyword here, because once he heard the groan of pain he didn't hesitate to come in and beat the perpetrator. He had leaned down to check up on him, and only felt a tinge of horror at seeing his eyes so emotionless, like he'd seen hell. Jaehyun probably had seen it. There was a deafening silence in the room, ignoring the sounds coming from their in-ears. A silence that Johnny can't figure out what, because the next thing he felt is Jaehyun's lips on top of his. He stiffened, and he really shouldn't be taking advantages of this, meaning he shouldn't prolonged despite his want. He couldn't.

 

In the following weeks after, Johnny received good karma. Maybe it's because he puts another one's needs before his, maybe because the universe decided that he deserved it. Deserve to have his love being near him, being close with him. And yes, at this point, Johnny was foolishly in love. There is a fine line between love and lust, one that he crossed daily as he and Jaehyun become something else. More than friends, less than lovers. It was good enough.

 

But after Jaehyun finally, finally become his, after they got their feelings sorted and requited, Johnny can testify that this is better. It's the best, honestly. He gets to know more about him, more of his childhood, more of his sensitive spots. Who would have thought Jaehyun had like being fucked until he was sensitive? He certainly had imagined about it, but he didn't know it was true until now.

 

Until now. Jaehyun is looking up from below him, waiting, breathless because Johnny had been kissing him and touching him everywhere, but not doing anything. Johnny's not sure on what to do either, so he settles on compliments.

 

“You're so beautiful.”

 

“All yours.” Jaehyun replies instantly, his voice high. He's been whining a lot, and it's adorable. Like a spoiled baby.

 

He was about to reply something when Jaehyun thrusts upwards, and both of them moan. Johnny is able to collect himself faster than Jaehyun, however.

 

“You can't even ask for it, can you?” It sounded mean. Jaehyun shudders underneath him without him doing anything.

 

“Johnny, God, please.” His heart stop beating for a moment when Jaehyun maintains eye contact, letting him see his emotions. “I need you right now.”

 

Johnny responds by kissing him, pulling him closer, chest to chest and all of that. And then their thing began again, except this time it has a name.

 

**Author's Note:**

> www.twitter.com/_johnjae


End file.
